


relief

by iliveinsideofthecomputer



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: M/M, Multi, black mesa is FUCKED UP y'all, death is also present but not a major character, it is written in all lowercase if that bothers you, the violence tag is there for descriptions of past violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iliveinsideofthecomputer/pseuds/iliveinsideofthecomputer
Summary: if you save a life, you’re responsible for that life."what a load of bullshit" - forzen hlvrai, moments before disaster(please join me on this journey where i decide forzen has a personality beyond wanting to prove irate gamer's innocence. forzen/scientist oc shipfic! my god! these gays traumatized! good for them! or maybe bad for them actually,)
Relationships: Forzen/OC
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. you got too comfortable

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm terrified to post this! i haven't published any fic online in nearly 4 yrs :')
> 
> notes: in this au, the hecu are employed by the military to work as a clean-up crew for black mesa on the reg, not just post-resonance cascade. the scientist is an oc who is a feminine trans man. this is the prologue to a much bigger piece i have been working on! it's a bit over 30k words at this point, and i've been heavily debating sharing it outside of my personal friend circle, but i decided it's time to take the leap. there will be polyam-shipping and it WILL be gay. character and relationship tags will be added as they are introduced!
> 
> i think that's all i need to say for now! hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for mild descriptions of violence that has already happened, as well as (non-major character) death. if there's anything else that needs a warning or tag, please let me know! i have only published stuff on tumblr so i have no idea what i'm doing!!

it was almost the end of forzen’s shift when the call came in that there was a containment breach down in sector e - _on a fucking friday night, for christ's sake_ , the soldier thought with a derisive snort, taking one last drag on his cigarette before flicking it down onto the red earth near the tram tracks. it figured that he couldn’t finish out the week clean - there had been other incidents within the facility over the past few days, but none requiring the assistance of the hazardous environment combat unit, which was about as lucky as you could get working at black mesa.

“so what’s up,” the squad leader droned to the gas-mask clad soldier already sitting in the tram car as the small crew filed in. “they couldn’t wait fifteen more minutes, or?”

the sound of the other man’s laughter was muffled by his mask. “guess fuckin’ not,” he spat, craning to look at the tunnel that would lead them underground as the tram lurched to life. “uh, sounded pretty minor? headcrab got loose in the vents,” he said dully, shrugging.

“jesus.” forzen remained standing as the car took them below the surface. “why don’t they just - fuck, i dunno, make smaller vents?”

“or bigger headcrabs,” piped up another member of the squad, his fingers tapping impatiently against the shotgun laying across his lap.

“that’s not how it works, dumbass,” said gas mask, although he was chuckling through his words.

“man, i don’t fuckin’ know! i’m not a _scientist_ ,” the gun-wielding man responded, adding a healthy dose of sarcastic emphasis as he rolled his eyes.

“consider yourself lucky there,” forzen pointed out, blinking a few times as his eyes adjusted from the bright new mexico sun to the dim artificial facility lighting. “who fuckin’ knew they’d have a higher mortality rate than the black ops.”

the other two erupted into laughter at that - it was kind of an overplayed joke at this point, but it was true enough that it practically always landed.

* * *

the biodome complex was by far forzen’s least favorite place in black mesa - not that he had a _favorite_ place, because the entire facility pretty much sucked - but sector e was definitely the worst. almost one hundred percent of their clean-up work was done there.

“could be worse,” came the slightly suppressed voice of the gas-mask wearing soldier as the tram finally pulled into the e-line station. “at least it’s just the specimen containment rooms this time and not one of the testing labs.”

forzen’s upper lip curled at the thought - the testing labs were, as far as he could tell, used for some pretty fucked up shit. most likely black mesa was attempting to somehow formulate alien biology into actual weaponry - something he honestly hoped never worked, because like hell would he be caught dead strapping a barnacle to his arm and using its weird meaty body to fire off ropes at enemy units. the very idea made his skin crawl.

“or one of the observation areas,” the other man added after a moment of thought. “hate those fuckin’ things.” he was right there, too - that particular section of the labs housed areas meant to simulate the aliens’ natural environments from xen, which made for strange and uneven territory - as well as, if you were particularly unlucky, aggressive flora that the scientific personnel sometimes ‘forgot’ to mention when calling for a clean-up.

“let’s just get in and get out so we can get back topside,” the third member of their party whined, tilting his shotgun so that the business end was pointed towards the ground as he carried it.

there were no facility employees present between the station and the biodome - forzen wondered briefly if the sector had gone into full on lock-down mode over one headcrab as they approached the security doors. it wouldn’t surprise him - and it maybe wouldn’t even be that far-fetched of a reaction, considering that if the little fucker had managed to latch on to someone, the entire situation could escalate, and fast. he stopped in front of the entrance, hitting the radio on his vest to let the people inside know that the crew had arrived to save their collective asses.

once inside, forzen strode up to whoever was apparently in charge - there was a cluster of anxious looking researchers crowded in the lobby around the desk, but only one person sitting behind it, typing frantically at a computer. it was someone forzen didn’t recognize, and he pulled a face at that fact as he approached the group, all of whom stepped back a couple paces as though they were wondering if he had come to put them out of a job.

 _not today_ , he thought, and despite the current situation, that idea was laced with a thread of gratitude. to be honest, the soldier despised that part of his work - it was, he guessed, a necessary evil at the best of times - but black mesa, unfortunately, rarely operated under the best circumstances.

“where’s the department head?” he asked, looking around at the gathered half-circle of scientists.

“uh, r-recently decommissioned,” said the man behind the desk, fiddling with his lanyard and trying to avoid eye contact. “it was - they didn’t tell you?” he blurted out. forzen thought the man looked incredibly sweaty, despite the fact that the research facility was kept at a much cooler temperature than the environment above ground.

“no,” the soldier replied flatly. “must’ve happened on a different shift. you in charge?”

“mm, well?” he was still looking everywhere but directly at forzen, his eyes darting around the desk in front of him methodically. “the temporary head, is. h-he’s. in the containment rooms? locked d-down, in the containment, uh, rooms,” the man stuttered out, as though that was somehow his doing. _shit, it actually probably was_ , forzen thought.

“okaaay,” forzen said, feeling as though he was losing patience with the man in front of him. “so do we need to go ‘decommission’ him,” he asked slowly, using finger quotes to denote his revulsion for the clinical term black mesa insisted on using for, you know, _murder_ \- “or is this a rescue mission?”

“unclear,” one of the other scientists said, and forzen turned to see a dead-eyed woman who was, he was certain, probably normally already pretty pale - but her face that evening was absolutely bloodless. it was creepy, he thought. “we lost communication with the containment labs when the specimen found a host.”

“oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me,” one of the soldiers behind forzen erupted, and the squad leader held up one hand to silence his unit without turning around, even though he honestly shared the sentiment.

“how many of your people are down there,” forzen asked, suddenly feeling extremely tired. he wanted to get this over with, so he could get back to his dorm and - well, he didn’t fucking know, to be honest. his first thought was _i’m gonna raid the goddamn yellow pages for a new line of work_ , but the only news they got was the _mesa times_ , and he knew realistically that he was stuck in this job until he either died in the line of duty or was forced out by injury - or, much less likely, old age? he had never heard of that happening, though.

“just two,” the woman replied, and forzen was thankful that she seemed to be taking charge over the man behind the desk. “the temporary department head, and a junior assistant researcher.” she looked about as exhausted as forzen felt - but she also looked absolutely dead to the world, like all emotion had been sapped out of her. the soldier had seen that with a fair amount of facility personnel, and it was second only to having to complete these missions on the list of things he hated about black mesa. “the last thing we heard was from the department head - that the assistant was,” she paused, her eyes drifting away from the soldier’s face, “put out of commission.”

“what, so the lead scientist killed him?” forzen asked incredulously, forgetting that he was really only there to get the mission details, as he often did. the group did a collective cringe at the word _killed_ , which he ignored.

“no,” the man behind the desk answered abruptly, standing up. “t-the last communication we got, was. it was, uh, the department lead, s-saying that the assistant was, uh. compromised, by the specimen."

“got it,” forzen said shortly, holding up his hand to silence the man. “okay. so we’ll do a quick sweep and relieve those two of their posts,” he said with a slight roll of his eyes. “it’s just the one headcrab, though?”

“don’t, uh - don’t, _relieve_ the department head if you don’t have to,” the sweaty man suddenly cut in, looking at forzen for the first time, his eyes wide.

“why?” asked one of the soldiers behind forzen, and this time he didn’t bother gesturing to quiet his team member, because he was about to ask the same thing.

the man slowly sat back down in his office chair, which gave a deflating sound as it sank towards the floor, something that would have been comical in a situation even slightly less dire. he looked sheepish, eyes cutting away from the soldier standing over him once more, as he replied, “h-he’s…a bit invaluable to the progression of the biodome. uh, our most senior employee, v-very…experienced, you know how it is - ”

forzen had to physically turn away from the group of scientific personnel, forcing himself to walk across the tile towards the hallway that would lead them further down into the labs. “we’ll be quick,” he said curtly, not once looking back as he addressed the cluster of employees he was leaving behind.

* * *

the elevator ride down to the containment labs was quiet. forzen’s unit could tell he was pissed off, even if they didn’t know why (the squad leader didn’t often vent about the many emotions he had surrounding black mesa’s handling of its employees, and the usage of the hec unit as a blunt force weapon in said handling), but they could probably guess. he stood still as the numbers counting the floors ticked down, breathing steadily in through his nose and out through his mouth, one hand braced loosely on the handle of his combat knife, which was strapped to his waist.

“you two take the spore launcher room,” he directed as the doors finally opened, leading into a small area that branched off into two opposing hallways.

the other soldiers didn’t argue - forzen knew there was little chance that the headcrab (or the research assistant, he guessed) was lurking around the spore launcher containment area, but on the off-chance that the department head was still alive, he didn’t want the two of them confronting him. the squad leader watched for a second as they moved silently down the hall, their weapons not fully raised but held in a position that was combat ready.

there wasn’t time to linger in the small lobby, forzen knew as he un-holstered his gun and walked carefully down the opposite hall. there wasn’t time to pace around, to punch the elevator door, to maybe even take the lift back up and toss his weapon to the man behind the desk and tell him maybe he should see how much _he_ liked doing the squad leader’s job - which wasn’t fair anyway, maybe that guy was a dick, but he wasn’t the root of this whole problem. forzen tried to clear his mind as he approached the security entrance leading to the second containment room, letting a clarifying white fog wipe his thoughts as he nudged the button to open the door with the nose of his gun.

for a room containing so much blood, it was eerily silent. there were rows of tanks holding xen specimens - most of them ignored forzen as he entered, not making any sort of movement or noise. if the soldier hadn’t been completely honed in on the mission, he would have wondered if they were asleep - instead, he mutely stalked around the perimeter of the room, his weapon angled downward but held at the ready in case of an ambush.

and god, there _was_ a lot of blood, wasn’t there, he realized somewhere in the back of his mind - it was chiefly collected against the leftmost wall, trailing in asymmetrical pools which had splattered into a pattern that told tale of a frantic, panicked dance between two combatants before terminating at the body of what he figured must be the former junior assistant researcher. forzen exhaled quietly, pausing for a moment before he approached the corpse - checking for vitals was always a bit nerve-wracking when it came to those who had fallen victim to the headcrabs, even though he was pretty sure that the aliens didn’t have the brainpower to stage a surprise attack.

as he took a step towards the slumped over form, there was a sudden sound from slightly behind him and to the right - forzen whirled, raising his gun automatically, his finger jerking from its place over the trigger guard, poised to shoot - but he was staring into the tank of a bullsquid, which was looking right back at him and hissing menacingly. the soldier lowered his weapon slightly, letting out a short, huffed laugh of disbelief - but then he felt something connect sharply with his shoulder, and he dropped his gun, sending it skittering away towards the body slouched up against the wall.

the ensuing struggle was extremely brief. forzen turned, grabbing the end of the crowbar being swung at him as its wielder attempted to go in for a second hit - he jerked it away with ease, spinning it rapidly so that he could grip the handle and raising it over his head with the intention to bring it down on his assailant - but the scientist before him crumpled immediately, holding his arms over his head as he fell to the ground, crouched into a ball and shaking.

the soldier stopped, crowbar still hovering overhead, staring down at the scientist and trying to force his brain out of combat mode and back into working at full capacity. the researcher was making no sound aside from his deep, rapid, shuddering breaths, which wracked his entire body. his lab coat was splattered with blood, as were his hands, and the top of his head - it plastered his hair to his scalp, and had dried on his fingers before cracking under the movement of his hands as he had gripped the crowbar, forming pale vein-like rivulets in the scabbed over gore.

“what the _fuck_ ,” forzen said flatly, dropping the crowbar and kicking it away before either of them could do anything stupid. he crouched down in front of the scientist, debating for a moment whether or not it was safe to touch him - then the image of the researcher fleeing deeper into the labs and the ensuing pursuit involving both him _and_ the other hec unit soldiers flashed through his mind’s eye, and his hand snapped forward to grab the scientist’s wrist.

and holy shit, forzen was thankful for his considerably honed reflexes, because he realized immediately that the other man was opening his mouth and drawing in a deep breath to scream - the soldier jerked the scientist flush against him, clamping his other hand down over the panicked man’s lips to silence him before he could alert the rest of his crew as to their positions.

“ _no_ ,” forzen said firmly, his voice low but dangerous. “no, okay? absolutely fuckin’ not. listen to me,” he said through gritted teeth, shaking the scientist slightly, “the rest of my crew is in the other lab across the hall - if you had tried to pull that shit on them, you’d be fuckin’ dead like your buddy over there, do you fucking understand me?”

the scientist’s eyes widened as they darted over towards the corpse slumped a few feet behind his captor - then he clenched them shut reflexively, his shaking devolving into outright sobbing. forzen sighed, tilting his head back and staring up at the ceiling. his bedside manner could use some work, jesus.

“okay, look. i get it,” forzen said, because he actually absolutely did. “shit’s fucked, it really is. but i need you to calm down,” he said slowly, inclining his head towards the researcher as the other man’s eyes snapped open, his brow furrowing in anger as he glared at the soldier - that was good, forzen thought, because it meant the scientist still had the wherewithal to be fucking pissed about the bullshit situation he had been thrust into. it was better than being absolutely shell-shocked, anyway. “i know, dude - i _know_ \- i’m not askin’ you to be completely chill, just calm down a little so i can take you back up to the lobby and we can get you debriefed and checked out and shit, okay? can you do that? we can take a minute,” he offered, “but not long, because my unit’s gonna get suspicious if i go radio silent.”

the scientist’s expression morphed from one of anger to shock, and he spoke against the heel of forzen’s palm - both of them seemed to have forgotten that the soldier still had a firm grip against his mouth, which he quickly released. the researcher’s voice was soft and trembling as he asked, “i’m getting debriefed?”

forzen wished more than anything that he didn’t understand the scientist’s surprise - that he could have said, _of course you’re getting debriefed_ like forzen had no idea why he would even ask that, and really _mean_ it - that he didn’t know that the scientist had fully expected to die in containment room number two that evening, to never ride the elevator back up to the biodome’s lobby again, much less to fill out the paperwork regarding how he had dispatched his assistant after a headcrab breach.

“yeah, dude,” he said instead, feeling that familiar wave of exhaustion wash over him once more. “they’re gonna debrief you. probably stick you on a little vacation for your trouble. get a nice few days off, right?”

and then he had to cover the scientist’s mouth again, because the smaller man immediately burst into wild, frantic laughter - which didn’t surprise forzen either, to be honest. he exhaled tiredly, readjusting his grip so that he cradled the other man against his combat vest, pressing the scientist’s face into his chest to muffle the pained, manic sounds until they gradually faded. his arms were locked securely around the researcher, because he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he wouldn't still try to make a run for it - but after a few moments, the scientist’s breathing steadied, and he was quiet.

“you good?” forzen asked, acutely aware of how empty his voice sounded. it was apt, given the current circumstances he found himself in.

“no,” the scientist responded shakily. “but it’s fine,” he added, and the soldier understood.

they stood slowly, forzen holding onto the scientist’s arms and guiding him up. he realized that he had gotten a fair amount of blood on his uniform during their whole exchange - but it hardly mattered. it wouldn’t be the first or the last time.

“i need to get my gun,” he said, and the scientist’s body went rigid, his breathing immediately hitching up into near-hyperventilation at a speed forzen hadn’t even known was possible. “i can’t leave it down here,” was all he could think to say - then he quickly added, “i’m not gonna shoot you.”

“okay,” the scientist said, jerking his face away to stare at the rows of softly glowing tanks that lined the room. “yeah - okay. yeah,” he repeated, hugging his arms against his chest and trying to control his breathing.

“don’t go anywhere,” the soldier directed, slowly releasing his grip on the shorter man before walking backwards away from him, keeping his eyes pinned on the scientist as he crouched and felt around for his weapon. he found it easily enough, and holstered it as quickly as he could before stepping back towards the scientist. “there, it’s away, yeah?”

“yeah,” the scientist breathed, looking completely and understandably drained.

“we gotta go back up, now,” forzen said in a way that sounded awkward and forced as he tried to speak as gently as he could to the rattled man. “can you walk?”

the scientist nodded. his movements were shaky, but he managed to make it to the elevator - at first trying to trail behind, but although the soldier didn’t hold the fact that the scientist had tried to assault him with a crowbar against him, forzen still wasn’t letting him out of his sight, and certainly not behind him.

the ride up was silent, the scientist trying and fumbling to hit the button to take them back to the lobby before forzen slowly reached out and swatted his hand away, pressing it himself.

* * *

the debriefing went more or less fine. as fine as it could go, anyway, forzen figured - he hadn’t really stuck around once the hazmat people had arrived to clean up the actual mess left behind, and he had had to deal with his team razzing him a little about not calling them in once he located the department head, but he knew internally that he made the right decision. if the scientist had tried to bean one of his unit with the other two present, there wouldn’t have been much of him left to wipe up for the glorified janitors now scooping the former research assistant into a waste disposal bag.

it had not, of course, been his first foray into rectifying black mesa’s fuck-ups. far from it - forzen hadn’t been promoted to squad leader by doing the easy work, and although he wasn’t numb to the job, he was surprised at how much this particular incident stuck with him. he sat on the steps leading up to the military dorms later that night, smoking and trying to work out what it was about the whole thing that kept it at the forefront of his mind when he would normally immediately try to forget.

he had stripped down out of his bloody uniform immediately upon returning, planning on taking a shower and falling onto his mattress - but sleep hadn’t come, so he found himself outside in the warm night air, staring off at the black shapes of the distant mountains that lined the horizon. the soldier exhaled curls of smoke through his nostrils, going over the events of the evening and trying to pick out what was making the memory crawl around in his brain like a snark gone haywire.

it was one of the few incidents he had been a part of with remaining survivors, that much was true. forzen wasn’t well-equipped to deal with handling civilians directly after something like that - but he thought he had done well enough, or at least as well as he could have been asked to do, considering. he flicked some ashes onto the ground, watching vacantly as they blew away in the slight breeze. the scientist had lived, there was that much - and that was certainly an outcome which would never have come to pass if anyone else from his unit (or probably any _other_ unit, to be honest) had been in containment room two that evening.

he thought about the researcher’s behavior - how he had initially been so bold as to actually take a _swing_ at forzen, which took balls - and then how he had immediately crumbled at the first sign of retaliation, falling to the ground and not even attempting to resist in the face of the soldier potentially bludgeoning him to death with his own crowbar. forzen paused with the cigarette to his lips, squinting at the skyline and pondering. the scientist had thrown his arms up as though to defend himself - but he had to have known that wouldn’t help the situation, right? it was probably just reflex - “jesus, i’m way overthinking this,” he murmured, snubbing his cigarette out on the concrete and sighing.

it wasn’t the fact that the scientist had survived, or that he had initially attacked forzen that bothered him, the soldier decided as he climbed the stairs back up to his dorm. he recalled something his grandfather had said once, for some reason - something forzen had never really thought about before, something he couldn’t even remember the context of as it occurred to him, but it still popped into his head. _if you save a life, you’re responsible for that life_. forzen stopped with his hand on the doorknob to his room, staring down at it and furrowing his brow.

 _that’s bullshit,_ he thought. _for one, that dude straight up tried to kill me. he’s lucky i let him live in the first place - no one else would’ve done that._

but for some reason that just seemed to cement his earlier notion, and he felt an exasperated sort of resignation with himself as he headed into his dorm and set an alarm for the next morning on his comm before collapsing into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god you're still here
> 
> THANKS FOR READING.....................wow what a meetcute


	2. you made it out alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a simple dude i take one look at forzen and i say himbo rights
> 
> also i realized i'm gonna have to explain a bunch of crap i wrote previously/hc'd with my partner and never thought to mention in the fiction huh! no one has cell phones in black mesa due to security purposes - people who work within the facility are issued 'comms' which act similarly and can be used to communicate with each other for professional (or not-so-professional) reasons. so every time i write comm just imagine griffin mcelroy furiously trying not to say the word 'car' during taz: balance except it's me angrily deleting the words 'cell phone'
> 
> ...................realized i wrote him setting an alarm on his comm at the end of chapter 1 and didn't explain this oh goddammit -
> 
> SO...IF ANYTHING EVER DOESN'T MAKE SENSE PLEASE JUST........ASK........................

working in the hec unit did not grant you the same benefits as being a part of the research team, or any other member of the facility where you were actually a direct employee of black mesa and not hired through a third party company (even if, like in forzen’s case, that third party was the military). the soldier was not issued any mental health leave following the incident, since it was all standard procedure - he hadn’t even seen combat that evening, so he really didn’t expect anything different. but the next day was saturday, and he had the day off, so when his alarm blared to life early that morning, shocking him out of a deep sleep, at first he was confused.

then he reached over and grabbed his comm from where it was charging on the other side of his bed, silencing it with an annoyed grunt, and he remembered the events of the previous night.

as he pulled on a t-shirt and shorts, he tried to convince himself to rethink what he had planned. this was a stupid idea, he thought - forzen was definitely the last person the scientist would want to see directly following the incident, and perhaps even ever again. he was used to that sort of reaction - the panicked looks whenever a survivor from a previous breach recognized him during a midnight mesa mart run, people getting off a stop early on the tram, even employees confronting him if the incident in question had been a particularly gnarly one - it came with the job, and to be honest he really couldn’t blame them.

forzen tried desperately to both reconsider and completely stop considering his actions as he boarded the sector b line tram, which was otherwise empty. it was still early - the sun had barely had enough time to grace the desert below with its heat before it vanished from forzen’s sight entirely as the car dipped down into the subterranean dark. he didn’t really want to think too much about what he was doing, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was worried he would talk himself out of it, or because he knew deep down that he would surprise himself upon finding that he was unable to talk himself out of it after all.

the only time he paused was when he approached the area nine security checkpoint. from there, the soldier could finish off his trip with the sector c line, taking the red route down to the level three dorms - but then what? _you don’t even know where he lives, genius_ , he realized, standing stock still at the tram platform as his brain worked frantically to try and solve this problem. then he spotted the guard on duty, who was slumped over at his desk, fiddling with his comm and not paying him any mind at all.

_good_ , he thought, and summoned up the air of authority he reluctantly utilized in his day-to-day work.

“hey,” forzen said in a firm but casual manner as he approached the checkpoint area. “need you to look somethin’ up for me.”

the security guard immediately looked kind of annoyed, though he tried poorly to mask it. he set his comm down on the desk without locking it, clearly ready to try and deflect any sort of duty forzen might ask of him as he glanced up at the soldier - then he did a quick double-take, recognizing the squad leader of the hec unit, and cleared his throat. “what’s up?”

forzen relaxed a bit, although not visibly. “i need to pay a follow-up visit to the survivor of an incident that occurred last night,” he said, which was, he decided, not a lie - and even if it was, why would he give a shit? “lost the contact info and my comm’s on the fritz.” okay, so that part was _definitely_ a lie, but forzen decided he was squarely in the position of not caring.

the guard started typing away at the computer in front of him, still definitely sore about being temporarily prevented from slacking off on the job, but that seemed to be overridden by not wanting to piss off one of the facility’s military personnel. “name?”

“what? forzen,” said forzen, drumming his fingers impatiently on the edge of the desk.

“uh, the surviving party’s name?” the guard clarified, shooting the soldier a quick but dubious glance.

“oh,” forzen replied, immediately realizing that maybe this was actually a bad idea after all. “like i said, i lost the contact info, bro. i can give you the incident details? or his job title. he was the head scientist in sector e - ”

the guard was already typing as forzen spoke, combing through the employee database. this actually seemed scarily easy, forzen thought, and then decided not to dwell on it. “that dude’s dead,” the guard announced, and a momentary grip of panic seized the soldier until he realized what had happened.

“the temporary head scientist,” forzen clarified. “uh, most senior member of the department?” shit, this wasn’t going as well as he had hoped.

an exasperated sigh puffed out of the security guard, who seemed to be quickly losing any sense of obligation or self-preservation as it gave way to annoyance with forzen’s incompetence. “okay, hold on…” he continued typing, navigating the directory for the biodome and going over the hire dates for the employees. then he grabbed a sticky note from a corner of the desk that was crowded with office supplies, jotting down two sets of numbers and holding it out to the soldier, the adhesive end barely clinging to the tip of his finger.

“what’s this?” forzen asked, snatching it and furrowing his brow at the square of paper. there was a three digit number in the center, and a much longer string scrawled underneath.

“dorm number and comm number? isn’t that what you wanted?” this dude was so clearly done with forzen’s shit. he was also starting to look a little suspicious - or maybe the soldier was projecting, and he was just plain old irritated at the continued interruption to his precious quiet time.

“oh, yeah. just wanted to make sure. thanks dude.” the guard gave no response to forzen’s words, and when he looked back up he saw the other man was already busy with his comm again.

* * *

forzen only stopped once on his way to the level three dorms, to grab a coffee from one of the smaller corner-style stores that dotted the facility. he hesitated at the machine before grabbing a second cup - he had no idea if the scientist liked coffee, or how he would take it if he did, so just to be safe the soldier compiled a small bounty of individual creams and sugars and asked for a bag from the cashier, who was positioned behind a glass window that forzen knew was both bullet and laser-proof.

_whether or not he likes coffee isn’t gonna matter if he slams the door in your face_ , he thought as he looked down at the cardboard drink holder, making his way through the southern wing of the dorms. it was easy enough to find the door marked with a number that matched the sticky note the guard had given him, and he slid his wrist through the plastic handle of the grocery bag he was carrying so that he could knock.

the scientist took so long to answer that forzen was about to just turn and head back, figuring he had earned two coffees for his trouble. he had tried - and there was no shame in knowing when to give up. but right as he was about to turn around and leave, the door opened just a crack, although he could tell that the deadbolt was still in use due to the sound of the chain clinking against the frame.

forzen didn’t know what he expected the scientist to look like upon seeing the soldier at his door - angry, maybe. scared? surprised, bewildered - but his expression was far worse than anything forzen could have anticipated. it was that same dead-eyed stare that the woman in the lobby had given him - there was no expression to read at all because there was simply none present. he looked _through_ forzen, not at him - and he didn’t say anything at all, just staring blankly through the small empty space in complete silence.

“hey,” forzen said, his voice feeling thick as it worked its way out of his throat.

the scientist stared.

“i wanted to check up on you,” he offered, which seemed way too forward and kind of stupid, but the soldier was at a complete loss.

the scientist stared.

“if you’re busy, i can, uh. if i’m bothering you,” forzen attempted, gesturing slightly with the hand holding the grocery bag.

the scientist stared.

“i brought coffee,” he said as a final venture, moving the drink tray in front of the small space between the door and its frame so that the scientist could see.

the scientist closed the door.

forzen sighed, craning his head back and closing his eyes. yeah, okay, so this had been a stupid idea after all - fucking dumb, what had he expected? why would the scientist want to see him of all people, especially now of all times -

then he heard the deadbolt being slid out of its home, and the door opened again, the scientist stepping back and looking at him - well, not entirely _at_ him, but maybe a little more than he had been before? or maybe forzen was just imagining it, shit - and the soldier quickly stepped inside.

the dorm was tiny, but it was also single-occupant, which was a huge relief because forzen hadn’t even considered what he would have done if the scientist had a roommate. _should’ve gotten a third coffee_ , was the only thought his brain could produce in response to that realization. there was a bed pushed against the far wall, in one of the corners, with a small dresser next to it, and what looked like a writing desk on the opposite wall, a chair sat neatly underneath and a few books and various stationery stacked up next to a closed laptop. pinned up over the bed were a few anatomical drawings of different aliens, as well as a cork-board with a calendar and what were probably some personal notes. monday, tuesday, and wednesday of the coming week had been wiped clean of the scheduling details that peppered the rest of the days in dry-erase marker.

the scientist had shut the door and was standing off to the side, his arms crossed close to his chest as he looked away awkwardly. it was the first time forzen had seen the other man when he wasn’t wildly terrified and caked in a considerable amount of blood - he looked somehow even smaller than he had when he was curled in on himself on the floor of the containment room. he wasn’t shaking or sobbing, but the unnatural stillness he had about him was somehow worse. he didn’t look tired, although the dark bags under his eyes gave that away - and he didn’t look morose, despite the corners of his mouth being turned down.

he looked empty.

forzen offered him the drink holder, and the scientist gave a delayed response, remaining still for a moment before slowly reaching out and taking a cup. “there’s creamer and shit, if you want,” the soldier offered, hating how even though he spoke in as soft a tone as he could manage, his voice still sounded too loud in the otherwise silent room. he felt like talking was somehow blasphemous - like he was talking in church, during a sermon.

no, that wasn’t right - it was like he was talking during a funeral service, he thought, and then immediately felt shitty about that. but the scientist had reached into the bag, grabbing a fistful of cream and sugar before retreating to his bed and sitting on the edge. the other man fiddled with his coffee for a moment, then looked up at forzen, his mask cracking only slightly in a way the soldier took as perplexed.

forzen was about to say he would go ahead and leave the scientist be, but the researcher gestured towards the chair with his coffee, speaking his first word since the soldier had shown up at his door. “sit,” he offered, then immediately looked down at his drink, his face dropping what little expression it had held a moment ago. “if you want, i mean.”

forzen set the drink holder and the bag on the desk, careful not to disturb anything, and pulled the chair out, sitting down. he watched as the scientist sampled his coffee, then apparently decided it hadn’t been doctored enough, adding in what the soldier considered to be a ludicrous amount of sweetener. he picked up his own coffee, which he drank black, and took a sip.

they sat in silence for a long moment. it was definitely awkward, and forzen kept returning to the thought that maybe he shouldn’t have come after all - but the scientist had let him in and told him to sit, so that was what he was doing. the other man seemed to be avoiding his gaze, although he did eventually speak again, asking “why did you come here?”

“to check up on you,” forzen said once more, intensely aware of how weird that sounded.

“mesa send you?” the scientist had scooted back on his mattress, leaning against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him, his eyes half-closed and looking vaguely at the wall behind forzen.

“no,” the soldier admitted.

the scientist seemed to consider this, taking a sip of his coffee and letting his gaze wander lazily. forzen started to worry that he might ask _why_ he had come to do a follow up visit - or, more concerning, how forzen had found him in the first place - but he didn’t, instead saying “i thought you were coming to, like, beat the shit out of me.”

“why?” forzen asked, startled into sitting straight up in the scientist’s chair.

the researcher gave a one-shouldered shrug. “hit you with a crowbar,” he pointed out - which, fair.

“oh,” forzen said, because he had honestly forgotten about that. there had been a bruise blossoming on his right shoulder that morning, true - it was tender to the touch and an ugly deep purple with a halo of sickly yellow, but it wasn’t anything serious. “no - wait, why would you let me in, then?”

“figured you wouldn’t bring coffee if you were gonna beat me up,” the scientist answered, which forzen guessed was a valid train of thought.

there was another momentary lapse in conversation, although the silence didn’t stretch quite as long that time. “sorry about that,” the scientist offered, and this time he did look at forzen, his eyes focusing on the soldier, although not quite on his face. “the crowbar thing.”

“it’s fine,” forzen said, because it really was.

“i wasn’t trying to, like.” the other man took a deep breath, setting his coffee on top of the small dresser and reaching down to grab the comforter and pull it onto himself. “i didn’t want to hurt you.”

forzen couldn’t help but give a brief, surprised laugh. “when you hit me with a crowbar?” the scientist winced. “you went in for a second swing, bro,” forzen joked, and then felt immediately guilty when the scientist looked away, the smaller man’s mouth twisting in despair.

“i thought you were gonna shoot the bullsquid,” the scientist said, his voice trembling. he drew his knees up to his chest, hugging them, the shakiness of his voice leaking into his shoulders. “i just - i didn’t have a, a plan or anything, i seriously wasn’t trying to _hurt_ you - ”

forzen was already up, his coffee sitting forgotten on the desk as he crossed the few short feet over to the bed. he sat down gingerly, and the scientist closed his eyes, shrinking further back against the wall. “you didn’t hurt me,” forzen said softly, one hand hovering just above touching the scientist’s knee. “hey - you didn’t,” he insisted, because the scientist was crying now, burying his face in his arms as though he could hide it.

even though he knew he probably really shouldn’t, he touched the scientist’s knee gently, trying to reassure him - and that seemed to break something in the other man, because he just slumped forward, falling against forzen’s side. forzen caught him reflexively, wrapping his arms around the smaller man. he wasn’t hugging back, wasn’t holding onto the soldier - he was limp, dead weight that was just shaking with silent tears which he was desperately trying to hold back.

and forzen wanted to tell him to stop trying to hold them back, because he knew it was just making things worse, but he didn’t know how to say that, or if he was even allowed. so he just held the scientist, not daring to try and do anything else until the other man’s shaking had subsided.

the scientist pulled away a moment after his episode ended, withdrawing from forzen’s arms slowly and swiping the heel of his palm across his eyelids. “fuck, i’m sorry - ”

forzen tried to say “you don’t have to be sorry,” but the words were overridden as the scientist continued to speak.

“ - you should, uh. i have to get to an appointment,” the scientist said, his voice still quavering slightly. “shit.”

forzen looked at him for a second, trying to gauge the truth in that - but he wasn’t comfortable challenging it, and he didn’t want to stick around if he was making the scientist nervous. so he stood up, grabbing his cup from the desk but leaving the bag of accouterments.

“thank you,” the scientist said from the bed in a small voice. “for the coffee. and, uh. for checking on me.”

“of course,” forzen replied. “it’s no problem, okay?” he added, because it really wasn’t.

he had his hand on the door knob when the scientist spoke again. “i’m just. i’m really grateful that you came by,” he said, his voice thin and nervous - not just nervous, forzen realized, but scared. “if you, like. if you wanted to, you could...” the other man was trying to force the words out, but didn’t seem able.

forzen looked back over his shoulder at the researcher, who was clutching anxious fistfuls of the blanket and returning his gaze. “i can come back tomorrow, if you want.”

“please,” the scientist agreed, and that single word was also a sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! ♡


	3. i'll be there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tfw you're gay and touch-starved and living in a fucked up secret government facility haha man so relatable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy pride! have another chapter why not

the rest of saturday passed uneventfully. forzen’s buddies from his unit extended an invitation for him to come hang out and fuck around, but he declined, citing that he was too tired to hang that weekend - which was true, but he felt like it wasn’t the whole truth. when sunday morning came, the soldier realized he hadn’t established any sort of meetup time with the scientist, and briefly considered reaching out via comm to figure that out - but he had gotten pretty lucky about not having to explain how he had gotten the scientist’s contact info, and he didn’t want to press it too much.

so he found himself descending underground on the tram around the same time he had the day before, slightly thankful as he passed through the security checkpoint that there was a different guard on duty. not that he thought anything would have happened - but for some reason he felt uncomfortable at the notion of there being a witness that he was doing this _again_ , that he was checking in on a stranger following an incident that had been more or less mundane in his line of work. forzen stopped at the same corner store for a second time, grabbing two coffees as though this was his new routine - then, after thinking for a moment, he nabbed a few donuts from the display case as well, shoving them into a paper bag with the provided plastic tongs and paying at the register before continuing on his way to the level three dorms.

there was again a delay when forzen knocked on the scientist’s door - it was a minute or two before the researcher cracked it open to peer out, the same as he had done on saturday, and forzen was momentarily concerned that he had woken the other man up - but when he unlatched the deadbolt and let the soldier in, he looked well put together enough that he couldn’t have just rolled out of bed. the scientist looked less dead - he looked, instead, like he was maybe just on the brink of death, which forzen decided might as well be counted as an improvement.

his face was a bit anxious, and he seemed jumpy, starting when forzen held the drink tray out to him. the soldier made a mental note to move more slowly, watching as the other man took a deep breath in before taking one of the coffees.

“thanks,” he said, running one hand through his hair nervously, “but you don’t have to keep bringing me shit,” the scientist pointed out with an uneasy laugh.

“it’s not a problem.” forzen set the goods from the corner store down on the desk as the scientist hovered, seeming unsure of where to place himself in his own room. “i brought donuts,” he added, giving the paper bag a nudge.

“oh, shit.” the researcher looked surprised. “thanks,” he said again, and when the soldier inclined his head towards the bag after sitting down and picking up his own coffee, the scientist opened up the package and looked inside. “damn, chocolate covered? the workplace counselor could learn something from you.”

forzen leaned back in his chair slightly, watching as the scientist grabbed a donut and bit into it. “how’s that going?” he asked a bit tentatively. “you don’t gotta talk about it,” he quickly added, “if you don’t want to.”

the scientist got a faraway look in his eyes as he chewed, his vision shifting to the anatomical drawings that were still pinned over his bed. forzen thought that it looked like there may be fewer than there were the day before, but he hadn’t paid close enough attention to know for sure. the scientist swallowed. “it’s going,” he said finally. “it’s, uh. he sucks,” he admitted with a weak chuckle.

“i mean, hard to beat donut therapy,” forzen joked lamely, then immediately took a sip of his coffee so that he would stop talking. it burned the roof of his mouth, which he played off by not reacting at all.

“pfft. yeah, you’re not wrong.” they were both silent as the scientist finished his donut, then dumped an absurd amount of cream and sugar into his coffee once more before drinking some. it was a slightly more comfortable silence than the day before - forzen noted that the scientist still looked exhausted, maybe even more tired than he had on saturday, but he was at least talking, and the words seemed to come easier this time.

noticing that the smaller man was eyeing the paper bag, forzen tilted his cup towards it. “you can have the rest, if you want,” he offered. forzen actually wasn't too big on sweets, but the donuts had been grabbed as an afterthought.

“you sure?” the scientist asked, but one hand was already reaching towards the brown paper sack.

forzen nodded - then, because he couldn’t leave well enough alone (and also because the scientist was already biting into another pastry, looking like he hadn’t eaten anything in his entire life), he asked “have you been eating?”

the scientist crossed over to his bed, positioning himself on the edge as he polished off the donut. he eyed forzen cautiously over the lid of his coffee, answering only after he had taken a drink. “uh, not so much, i guess.” he sounded a bit guilty - the soldier got the feeling the scientist felt like he was admitting some sort of weakness, a fault.

forzen weighed his options - a winding multi-forked path branched out in his mind, and he felt like any one road could easily lead to disaster. he could say _you’ve gotta eat, dude_ , but the scientist definitely already knew that, considering he had survived this far into adulthood without starving himself. he could follow up and ask if the scientist had been sleeping, too - but he was pretty sure he already knew the answer to that, and harping on everything the scientist should be doing to maintain some sense of normalcy wasn’t going to make any of this better.

he decided on the third option, because it seemed like the best thing he could do. “i know shit’s rough,” he said, placing his cup gently on the desk, “but if you need help, you can ask.”

at first he wasn’t sure if he had said the right thing after all, because the scientist deflated a little, his shoulders slumping as he looked down at his coffee with an expression that was both pained and confused - but forzen didn’t have much time to regret his decision, because the other man looked up at him, asking, “why are you doing this?”

“doing what?” forzen asked, although he was pretty sure he knew what the other dude meant. he just didn’t want to have to answer, because he honestly didn’t really know.

“fucking…coming to see me, checking up on me, bringing me coffee - you don’t _know_ me,” the scientist said, setting his cup down on the dresser and drawing his legs onto the bed. “and the first time we met, i hit you with a crowbar,” he pointed out, crossing his arms in an imitation of how his legs were positioned, like he was trying to draw all of his limbs against his body and become as small as possible.

“barely even felt it,” forzen replied dully, still trying to avoid answering the actual question.

the scientist continued to scrutinize him, and the distrust on his face pained forzen for reasons he couldn’t explain. “did it leave a mark?”

forzen thought about lying, but decided that in this particular instance, it might not be wise. “little bit,” he admitted. “you can barely tell, though,” he added, which _was_ a lie - the bruise was getting uglier as it healed, as they tended to do. it had been almost two days since the incident, which meant it was dark with the blood that had pooled just beneath his skin, an ugly purple reminder that he might have for a week or so at worst.

“let me see it,” the man on the bed demanded suddenly, his mouth a thin, determined line.

forzen tensed up. now, here was a conundrum - he could just say no, because that was kind of a weird thing to ask, for sure - but he had _just said_ the bruise was barely visible, and declining the scientist’s request might make him suspicious of that. there was also the fact that even though the contusion was kind of gnarly looking, forzen got the odd feeling that seeing it might bring the scientist some bizarre form of closure? he wasn’t sure about that one, to be honest, but the soldier still found himself standing up and walking over to the bed anyway, positioning himself with his back to the scientist and pulling his shirt up over his shoulders.

the scientist gave a soft gasp, and forzen hoped he had made the right decision. “oh my god,” the man said quietly, and forzen tensed even more when he felt the warmth of one palm press against his back. “shit, dude,” the scientist murmured, tracing his fingers up the soldier’s skin and stopping just short of the injury.

“s’just a bruise,” forzen said gently, feeling goosebumps crop up in the wake of the scientist’s touch and trying to will his flesh to be still. “it’s seriously not a big deal.”

but when the scientist withdrew his hand and forzen pulled his shirt back down, turning to face the other man, he saw that tears were already welling up in his eyes. the scientist looked ashamed - whether because of what he had inflicted on the soldier or because he had managed to cry every time they had met so far, forzen didn’t know - but either way, he didn’t think the researcher had any reason to be embarrassed.

he also didn’t know what to say to make it better, so he did the only thing he had found which would reliably quiet the scientist’s tears, which was to reach out and draw the smaller man against his chest. forzen hated the way the scientist stiffened, but it lasted only a second before his body relaxed against the soldier, the other man giving a deep exhale and burying his face in forzen’s shirt.

it felt strangely therapeutic for forzen as well - sitting on the scientist’s bed and just holding him, feeling his rhythmic breathing and the warmth of his skin. the soldier closed his eyes, one hand rubbing small circles against the scientist’s lower back, although the tears that had threatened to fall earlier never came.

“should’ve appointed you over the psychiatrist,” the scientist murmured against his chest, and forzen huffed out a small laugh. “hey, uh.” he felt the researcher fidget slightly. “you said i could ask, if i need anything?”

“yeah,” forzen said, reluctantly releasing the scientist as the smaller man drew away. “what do you need?”

there was some color to the other man’s face, now - his cheeks were flushed as he glanced down and away, seeming unsure of himself. “can we just, like. keep doing that? for a little,” he asked tentatively, twisting the hem of his shirt in his hands. “like…it’s just. it feels nice? comforting,” he prattled, as though he felt the need to explain.

but he really didn’t, because forzen understood. “hey,” he said gently, placing a hand on the scientist’s shoulder and trying to give a reassuring smile when the other man looked back up at him. “yeah, we can do that.” the soldier was a bit trepidatious about his next suggestion, but his instincts had served him fairly well so far in dealing with the scientist, so he went for it - “you wanna lay down? you look tired.”

“that would be really nice,” the scientist affirmed in a relieved voice. he did still look tired - but it was a more serene expression, less nervous exhaustion and more like he could actually sleep.

forzen toed his feet free from his shoes as the scientist reclined on the bed - it was nearly too small for the two men to occupy at once, but they managed, the scientist nestled close against forzen and curled up as the soldier wrapped his arms around him. he felt as though he should feel somewhat strange about being in this predicament, or maybe at least a little awkward - but he didn’t. it felt _nice_ , he realized, just being close to someone, even given their circumstances and how they were still practically strangers - why should he worry about it? if the scientist found it comforting (and shit, he did too), then what did it matter?

unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before the researcher was out like a light, and forzen could feel his deep, even breathing as he lay inert against the soldier. he wondered if he should leave - but then, extracting his arms from around the scientist might wake him, forzen reasoned, and he suspected the other man hadn’t slept at all since friday night. that, and he didn’t want to just wordlessly vanish, leaving the scientist to wake up alone - it was better to stay put, he decided, finding that he really didn’t mind the idea at all.

forzen’s eyes drifted shut a few times as he wondered if it would be weird for him to fall asleep in the scientist’s bed. it was only a brief thought, though, and one he didn’t pay much mind to before he was lulled to sleep by the quiet cadence of the scientist’s breathing and their shared warmth.

* * *

he wasn’t sure what time it was when he was awoken by the sound of the scientist crying.

forzen’s eyes fluttered open, and he was momentarily dazed by the situation. he wasn’t in his dorm, and his limbs were tangled with someone else’s - the reality of what was going on dawned on him gradually, and he focused on the short, breathy cries that were coming from the man wrapped in his arms.

the scientist was still unconscious, his hands grabbing tight fistfuls of forzen’s shirt as his body quavered with the vibrations of his sobs. the soldier immediately drew him closer, hugging him and murmuring against the top of his head. “hey, you’re good, okay?” he said in a hoarse whisper. “you’re safe. i’ve got you.”

he continued to give gentle reassurance to the smaller man until the scientist gave a deep sigh, eventually quieting. forzen thought he must have still been asleep, and was about to slip back into slumber himself, when the scientist spoke. “what time is it?” he asked drowsily, not moving from his place in the soldier’s arms.

“not sure,” forzen replied, although he _was_ sure that he didn’t really care.

the scientist hummed. “d’you have work tomorrow?”

shit. “yeah,” forzen responded begrudgingly. the scientist groaned. he agreed.

the other man disentangled himself from forzen’s arms, and the soldier felt strangely despondent at that - but then the scientist scooted up, leaning over the larger man’s body and bracing one hand on his chest to grab his comm from the dresser. he settled his back against the wall, blinking sleepily down at the screen. one hand lazily found its way to forzen’s scalp, and he was mollified when the scientist gently ran his fingers through his hair.

“it’s like three,” the scientist said, sighing. “sorry for passing out on you, fuck.”

“it’s fine,” forzen said distantly, his eyes closed as the scientist continued to caress his head. “you needed the rest.”

“yeah. i really did,” the other man admitted. “thank you.”

“s’fine,” forzen repeated, already feeling as though he was about to fall back asleep. he didn’t want to sit up, to interrupt the scientist’s touch - he definitely didn’t want to leave, a strange notion after he had spent the entirety of his previous visit wondering if he should just go.

“you don’t have to go,” the scientist said gently, as though he could read forzen’s thoughts. “but you don’t have to stay, either. i’ll be fine.”

right. the reason they were doing this in the first place was for the benefit of the man currently petting the soldier’s hair - to comfort _him_ , to assuage some of his trauma. forzen grunted as he sat up, shaking his head as though to clear his thoughts. he stared at his abandoned cup of coffee, still sitting where he had left it on the scientist’s desk.

“i should probably get going,” he found himself saying, although those weren’t the words he actually wanted. “make sure you eat,” he directed, sliding his legs off of the bed and putting his shoes back on.

“yeah,” the scientist replied, and when forzen looked back at him, his expression was less like it had been hours ago and more like it was the day before.

* * *

_i’m doing this to help **him**_ , forzen thought firmly later that night as he lay on his own bed, which was decidedly more lonely than the place he had rested before. _this isn’t for me. i can’t get fucking selfish._

_i’m not going to take advantage of him_ , he told himself, because that was the fear at the forefront of his mind.

the scientist was in a vulnerable position - forzen didn’t know if he had any friends or family to reach out to, but the fact that he hadn’t rebuffed the soldier’s advances and had never had anyone else around during the hours forzen spent occupying his dorm was enough reassurance that he was probably alone. so, yes, okay - forzen could spend time with him, could help him through this, take his mind off of all of it - he could give him whatever vocal or even physical comfort he needed, but what he was worried about was taking things _too far_.

because the scientist wasn’t the only one who was alone.

sure, there were the members of his unit, who he was more or less friendly with. that wasn’t anywhere near the same, though, and forzen wasn’t even going to try and kid himself about it - he kept up a hardened facade around his subordinates, and they might have an inkling that he got angry about dealing with black mesa, but they couldn’t be allowed to clue in that he also got scared.

it wasn’t the violence associated with his line of work that scared him, although that bit did make him indescribably mad. it wasn’t even the looming threat of his own death which frightened him - it was the isolation, the seclusion, the absolute alienation from the other facility employees that left him feeling distressed.

there was no hiding what forzen was to them, and no one was ever shy with their reactions. it wasn’t always blatant distaste - it manifested in several different forms, but each one was uniquely awful.

fear upon seeing him move throughout the facility while in uniform and armed, even if he was just underground while on break - because the sight of a hecu soldier, even with his gun holstered, could mean unexpected termination.

revulsion if he got recognized even while not in his combat gear, because people knew what he did for a living, and what he had already done - some of them firsthand, if they were friends or family members of researchers that black mesa ordered decommissioned.

even those were palatable in the face of the behavior forzen hated the most, though - which was submission. he hated being needlessly placated, when civilians would trip over themselves as though he was a hair trigger away from just straight up murdering anyone who looked at him wrong - he remembered the way the guard at the area nine security checkpoint had handed over the scientist’s personal information without any sort of fight, and before that, how one of the biodome researchers had pleaded with him to spare the scientist’s life - but not too hard, like it was okay if forzen killed him in the end, because that was forzen’s job and who could blame him if he slipped up? it was what was expected of him.

he remembered the scientist’s face when he asked if black mesa had sent him. how even when the soldier had showed up out of uniform and with coffee, the researcher was certain it was because forzen was there to visit some kind of well-deserved violence on him for his transgressions.

he remembered the way the scientist’s body felt against his, soft and easy and _safe_.

he remembered the feeling of the scientist’s fingers running through his hair, like it was the most natural thing in the world - something that should have certainly been strange, right? they barely knew each other, and on their third meeting they were tangled in each other’s arms and forzen got the distinct feeling that if he had nudged his head into the scientist’s lap while the other man was petting him, it wouldn’t have been unwelcome.

or maybe it wasn’t so strange after all. why should it be weird, for two people who needed the comfort of physical contact to seek it out in one another? yes, forzen was doing this to help the scientist - but was it so bad if it helped him, too? was it wrong to feel secure holding the other man against him, to experience contentment at the idea that he held someone he could actually keep safe for once?

_you can’t keep him safe forever_ , his brain pointed out as he stared moodily up at the ceiling above his bed.

_fuck that_ , he shot back at the voice in his head, turning over and closing his eyes, as though falling asleep would somehow end his internal debate. _i can try_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> confession time! this is all i have written so far of the prologue! there's about 28k of follow-up fic done so far which mainly features frenrey/oc content. i thought about posting the frenrey stuff first because i know that's the fandom's main pairing, but forzen doesn't get enough love, and chronologically this all happens first, so here we are! (to be clear, there's more forzen fic coming. relief isn't finished yet!)
> 
> i'm gonna go on kind of a ramble here - forgive me, i've been feeling really sentimental lately, and even though this fic hasn't gotten a ton of interaction by most people's standards (probably? man idk like i said i haven't published anything in years and never to ao3 haha) i really appreciate every kudos and hit i get.
> 
> tw for death/general sad shit - you do NOT have to read this
> 
> on the 26th one of my partners died. she was one of the people i sent these fics to. she always supported my writing hobby and was, in general, just extremely kind and wonderful about my creative endeavors.
> 
> re-reading 'relief' before posting it has been a little rough. like a lot of people who write this sort of thing, i was doing some intense projection at the time about shit i was going through (although i've never killed a zombie with a crowbar - i don't wish to write about my personal experiences in a literal sense here lol). about wishing someone would reach out, would check in - and now i'm essentially living with the loss of someone i loved more than anything else in the world, and looking back on this, it's just...strange. the chapters were written on the 18th, the 22nd, and the 24th, respectively.
> 
> i'm going to keep writing this. i don't know how the tone will shift. i want things to get better rather than getting worse, though.
> 
> more than anything, i want what forzen wanted. to be able to hold someone in my arms and keep them safe.
> 
> thanks for reading ♡


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